A letter to my past self

Today, a year from now. You will wake up happy.

Tomorrow you will wake up scared but you’ll be safe soon. Your friends will rush over, your boss will be kind and your parents will hold you whilst you cry. You’ll cry a lot but they will be tears of relief. 

He’ll be gone for good tomorrow. You’ll part ways on the train platform and you’ll cry through half the northern line. But, you’ll go to work a ton lighter knowing it’s over. This feeling hasn’t shaken yet. When you’re laughing with friends, stumbling home from the club at dawn or walking through your front door knowing there’s nothing to fear anymore - you’ll look up at the sky and smile with the comfort you are safe now.

You’ll be well looked after this next  week, month, year. Get out some clean bedding for the spare room. Your friends and parents won’t leave your side for the next 2 weeks. They’ll carry you through this and you will feel so loved.

You won’t be able to see it now but it gets easier. You’ll weather the lows and be happy in ways you didn’t know were possible. Right now I’m on the way to see friends you haven’t even met yet. There’s so many amazing people about to come into your life.

This next year will see a decade of growth. By March you’ll be out of that flat and you can take the padlock off the door. 

About 12 interviews later, you’ll finally land your dream job. It’s wild how much more space you will have to better your life now it’s not being dictated by someone else.

Be kind to yourself. It’s been a lot. It’ll continue to be a lot but with each day that passes you’ll stop feeling like domestic abuse is something that defines you. Forgive yourself for not leaving sooner. It doesn’t help to think like that.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Take a breath and get some rest. You’ve got a heavy year of queer hedonism and self discovery ahead. It will be scary, you’ll feel lonely at points but it’s nothing you can’t handle and even your loneliest moments are nothing compared to how you felt before. 

Oh and also, you’re a boy now. Well, you always were. But, now you know it. You’ll become Dylan, who you were supposed to be - and it will be so good. Everyone will be so much kinder than you expect. You are so loved by so many people.

Finally, I’m proud of you. You chose yourself today and I’m so thankful you did. There’s so much joy coming your way this year.